Most people want to form connections with people because doing so adds inordinate meaning to your life. Historically long term relationships, not short term relationships divorced from intimacy have embodied this idea of commitment. Marriage became synonymous with commitment. A show of commitment is not something superficial that ages out, as the media would have us believe. It is hard to find and it is hard work especially in a world that eschews responsibility.
A relationship which has the potential to be one of the most meaningful relationships in your life is your bond with your child. That is why so many people choose to have babies – they do not want to miss out on that unique relationship which brings incredible joy and meaning. Raising children is too amazing an experience to miss out on without giving it some serious thought.
It is not to say you should have children or you can’t be happy childless. There are many examples of people who are incredibly happy and childless, and have special relationships. But I’m speaking to the vast majority of women and men who want to have babies. It is one of the most meaningful experiences in life and to flippantly dismiss what is a natural longing for many people is harmful. Sure, there are people who have zero interest in babies for a whole host of reasons and that is absolutely fine. But to indoctrinate society that babies equate to misery and hardship is a very cynical view that the lived experience of many people directly contradicts. Anything meaningful usually requires sacrifice and effort and that is to be lauded not denigrated.
Women are constrained career wise by having babies but that doesn’t mean they should throw up their hands and give up on the baby thing. There are a multitude of reasons given to justify not having babies – babies ruin your career, dreams, life, environment etc. Why does walking away from this unique ability to have a baby make you more a champion of human rights and the future of our planet. We tried unsuccessfully to prioritize a woman’s career by ignoring the biological differences between men and women and in so doing, encouraged too many women not to have babies. It was the easiest option because money which would otherwise have been spent on supporting working women and babies was saved. But it was one dimensional and harmful.
More can be done to support women in the workplace and more is being done. When women agitated for the vote, there was no doubt a backlash suffered on a very personal level but the suffragettes did not slink back into the shadows giving up on political representation. That would have achieved nothing. Babies are a worthwhile pursuit and the challenges of juggling both job and career will be better supported as more women prioritize their baby dreams and agitate for this support.
Some women who swallowed the propaganda and missed out on having the children they wanted feel regret for having believed the lie because it cost them so much personally. Some of these same women decided to have babies on their own, or use donor conception or find other ways to realize their baby dreams. This baby longing is not going away. It is in our DNA.
Going solo is a difficult undertaking because a major support person, a partner, is missing from the equation. But the difficulties don’t make the decision unwise. Other support can be found from close friends and family. Sometimes the harder it is to make things work, the better the outcome. Every single mother I know who chose to have a baby using donor sperm has done a thoroughly amazing job at raising her child. I think that is probably a reflection in part on how strong their longing for a baby was in the lead up to their decision to go solo. It takes a good deal of planning. It was not the first preference of the women I have spoken with who went ahead on their own. So we need to ask why are women going solo and what can we do as a society to better support marriage and babies. What is to be applauded is that for those women coming up the ranks who have not succeeded in finding a partner, solo mothers provide much needed hope and encouragement.
Having a baby is an amazing, exciting journey. It involves self sacrifice but is incredibly rewarding. A baby provides some of the most fulfilling and happy life experiences for a mother or father.
