yOU CAN GO IT ALONE!
Being a solo mother is a real option. In fact, having a baby on your own is more real than the fantasy of finding a partner who shares your baby dreams at 40.
I read two women’s stories which were almost identical except for the endings – one had the much longed for baby and one did not. Both females were on the cusp of turning 40 and desperate for a baby, both were experiencing woes and looking at options to achieve their baby dreams. One blinked at the challenges of being a solo mother and the other did not and succeeded.
What struck me was the difference really came down to something external. I am not talking about the wonders of modern medicine although that of course makes it all possible ever since the miracle of Candice Reed, Australia’s first IVF baby born in June 1980.
Both protagonists in the stories were determined to achieve their baby goals and looking at every option available. Both encountered negatively. They were few people in their lives amongst their friends and family in the ‘go it alone’ cheer squad. That is so incredibly sad to me. But it also rings true. I remember my girlfriend who became a solo mother by choice said I was the only friend who was truly supportive of her choice to do so. I still find that astounding. I was the only one who said
“That’s wonderful news, you’re amazing”.
Friends are sometimes useless with ‘unusual’ big life decisions because they tend to err on the side of wanting to make you feel better or recommending the safe option to avoid any risk of offence. Platitudes like “you’ll meet someone, don’t worry” are so stupendously dangerous because they encourage would-be mothers to do as they were doing in the vain hope of a different outcome. After 40 years, it’s unlikely you will meet the man of your dreams. Your hitherto relaxed time frame in which to do so has just become compressed into a single afternoon. It is just no longer feasible to indulge the fantasy even from a logistics perspective.
One of the women called Lucy, ironically the one who succeeded in having the baby, had a mother opposed to the idea, citing the ‘solo mothers are selfish’ tag line. The mother converted after the baby’s birth but the point is, at the critical moment, ultimately leading to a baby coming into the world, she was not unequivocally supportive.
So what did it really come down to? There was a shift in mindset for one of the women which was actioned by her. Lucy let go of the whole nuclear family fantasy and it is a fantasy for someone on the cusp of forty to cling to that notion.
But what was the catalyst for that shift?
It was something very simple but not necessarily easy to do. Lucy attended a small meeting in a church hall for solo mothers and their children and those considering going solo.
The church hall was unobtrusive. It was not a calming affair with babies silently cradled while their mothers catalogued their exclusively joyful experiences of going solo. But it was incredibly significant in its repercussions for Lucy. It was a meeting of minds of people with the same longing who had achieved their baby dreams and people who wanted to achieve the same. Lucy became good friends with people in this group. They giggled, they laughed and confided in each other. Every person in that informal cheer squad became a stalwart of the ‘Go it alone’ team, boosting Lucy’s morale with supportive what’s app messages at very critical moments of wavering and indecision. It kept Lucy focused on wanting a child.
For the other woman, the one who did not realise her baby dreams, her cheer squad had one person in it – herself. While she desperately tried to recruit her partner, he was not fully on board and certainly not cheering her on. She found herself steered off course with negative thoughts at every bump in the road. Oftentimes with momentous decisions that upend your life, you need a cheer squad.
I really attribute the different endings to having a cheer squad, not forgetting the miracles of both modern science and the tremendous luck in conceiving late. Sure, you could say that Lucy may have been more determined in seeking out a support group in the first place but reading their stories, the other woman was equally determined for a baby. She just needed that little bit of support.
It is hard to let go of preconceived notions of a nuclear family, and even your own genetics if you don’t have viable eggs. Women who have succeeded despite these challenges spur you on to remain focused and let go of traditional notions. It is a very powerful thing for a solo mother by choice to say “I don’t have a partner or father for my baby but I’m in love with my baby and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, and I would do it all again”. That’s what you need to hear. It leads you to dismiss those negative voices and focus on your baby dreams.
Society doesn’t support solo mothers by choice. Negativity abounds. Block it out. You can do that if you cocoon yourself in a supportive group. Cut off, perhaps not physically but psychologically, anyone who persists with negative comments at least while you’re in the process of trying for the baby. They will either convert once the baby arrives and frankly if they don’t, I doubt you will really care – after all you have your gorgeous baby in your arms and all the love that brings.
